When you first dreamed of marriage you had so many expectations of how it was going to be. You imagined the children you would have, the adventures you would go on, and all the exciting new aspects this chapter would bring. But let’s be honest- you also thought of all the amazing sex you were going to have and how close it would make you feel to each other.
Guys- you thought of how often it would happen… a few times a week, every day, or as often as possible because isn’t that how it’s supposed to go? Let me guess, you thought she wanted it just as much and often as you, but quickly realized she didn’t think the same. She said things like “you expect too much”, “all you care about is sex”, “it’s not normal how much you want it”. Or maybe it started off just as you expected- couldn’t get enough of each other, but somewhere along the way it changed. Either way, you find yourself wondering why she doesn’t want to have sex with you and have no clue what to do. You deeply desire her, to feel close to her, to connect with her, but don’t know how to make her see that.
Ladies- you pictured how gentle, romantic and loving he’d be as he cherished you and slowly and passionately made love to you. It would be pure bliss and magic as you two became one. Unfortunately, it did not feel that way. Instead, you felt uncomfortable, anxious and couldn’t relax or get out of your head. He demanded so much and your lack of desire quickly turned into an obligation or “wifely duty” instead of a willingness to physically connect with him. Or maybe you experienced pain and the more times it showed up the less you wanted to experience it. Physical, mental, or emotional discomfort will always create an aversion, but you don’t want to feel this way. You deeply long to connect with him, but at what cost and always at your expense? You’ve never been able to figure out how to make it work like you’ve seen in the movies. You want to be “normal” like your girlfriends and long for the type of sexual relationship they have with their husbands. But, how?
Research shows that most couples strongly agree when intimacy is an issue. According to a study published in the Couple and Family Psychology Journal, when intimacy was an issue it impacted the marriage 50-75 times more. This means if you’re struggling with intimacy issues it is significantly negatively affecting your relationship, not just a little.
Another study performed by Zava, a medical company, found more than half of the couples in the study reported a decrease in sex after 6 months and more dissatisfaction with their sex life and relationship as a whole. After digging into the reasons behind these results, researchers discovered most couples felt more disconnected from their significant other.
Other reasons for discontentment in your sex life may also be contributed to sexual dysfunction– including physical, mental and emotional discomfort or pain. There are many forms of sexual dysfunction that affect both men and women.
So what is sex therapy and why is it a crucial part of helping to resolve these issues?
Sex therapy is focused on creating healthy physical and emotional intimacy. Many assume that sex is a purely physical act. However, research has shown that in order to have a satisfying sexual experience that connects two people, more than just the physical is required. This is why we will also focus on the emotional and mental components and how they are aiding or hindering your ability to connect outside and inside the bedroom. Through education and physical and communication exercises we will identify areas one or both of you are struggling in and work together to create the outcome you desire.
Sex therapy is for every couple, no matter what your circumstances are. You might have the best relationship, but know the bedroom could be spicier. Maybe you’ve been struggling for a while- you’ve tried everything you can think of to do on your own, but it hasn’t helped and are ready to seek professional help. Perhaps you’ve done the work before- been to therapy, but the therapist did not have the training to support you in achieving the results you want. Or you just started having issues and don’t want things to get worse. Whatever your situation, we have a therapist at our South Denver– Castle Rock location who wants to give you the support to help you reconnect and find your way back to each other.
Rachel Bourgoin is our therapist who specializes in sex therapy. If you are looking for Christian sex therapy Rachel has extensive training integrating faith and has worked with many couples from this perspective.She is currently working towards certification through the Institute of Sexual Wholeness.