How Do We Love | Would You Like Less Conflict in Your Marriage?

Would You Like Less Conflict in Your Marriage?

Marriage can actually shine the spotlight on attachment injuries we received in our families of origin. Marriage, as I think of it, is a spiritual path. We decide to live together and if we know how, we can become each other’s healers as we face our wounds together. In order to do this, to change how you love each other, you have to discover the roots of your relational struggles.

 Ask yourself these questions:

  • Would you like less conflict and more intimacy in your marriage?
  • Have you been married long enough to observe that the same fights occur again and again?
  • Is unresolved conflict eroding intimacy in your marriage?
  • Have you lost some of the affection you used to enjoy?
  • Are you and your spouse on opposite poles when it comes to sexual desire?
  • Do you have trouble nurturing and providing comfort for one another?
  • Do you feel like you are simply roommates, doing the logistics of life together?

  Yes to any of these means you have a great opportunity to learn, heal and transform your marriage and your life.

  So here’s more good news. There are five impaired love styles. This means these problems are more common than you realize and they are treatable. These patterns that get created when love styles collide are predictable and remediable.

So what do you have to do?

  • You need to understand how your formative years created your relational love style.
  • You need to understand how your love style operates inside your marriage.
  • You need to understand the pattern that your love style and your spouse’s love style create.
  • You need to know where to find the skills that will create a whole new pattern, or dance, in your relationship.

 I want to ask you a question. Can you recall being comforted as a child after a time of emotional distress? No, I’m not talking about when you had the flu or fell down and skinned your knee. I’m talking about a time when you were emotionally distressed and a parent offered consolation and relief.

 You might think that I had a happy childhood. I don’t remember needing comfort. We all experienced things that were emotionally upsetting during the first 18-22 years of life. Maybe your best friend moved away or dumped you for a new group of friends. Maybe you didn’t make a sports team or get a role in the high school musical.


Or maybe your parents got divorced, someone close to you died, or you were bullied or abused in some way--something where you really needed comfort. So at some point you either received comfort for your pain or the stark absence of it. Maybe you even got more pain from a parent, therefore making these experiences influence your current relationship in untold ways.

Sometimes people who never experienced soul level comfort don’t understand exactly what it is, yet we all long for it. We were all created for connection. I have found that looking at love styles based on attachment style in childhood is such an important place to start looking as couples journey toward healing in their marriage.


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If you are wanting to explore this more, please reach out to me, Malia, at or call our intake coordinator to schedule an appointment today 720-370-3010 x100.