How We Love | How We Love and How We Do Intimacy Did Not Start in Our Marriage

Introduction into How We Love

I am passionate about happy, healthy marriages, as well as healthy, in-tact families. But unfortunately, most couples wait on average six years before they reach out for help and 37% of couples who do divorce, never seek counseling.

Marriage is a lot harder than any of us expected. Every marriage has their nagging issues that call for our attention. As these recurring issues may fray their bond, many couples conclude that they may have married the wrong person. Or perhaps their feelings for their spouse are gone. Most relationships have a core pattern which is actually a negative feedback loop that pushes us apart. It is a predictable way spouses react to each other that leaves each of them frustrated and dissatisfied. It feels stuck. It does not feel good. It may be a recurring fight, a discussion you repeat over and over again that never gets resolved or it could be the ways in which you avoid dealing with problems.


See if any of these sound familiar:

  • I try to make you happy but you are never satisfied. It’s never enough. I’m not enough.
  • I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you.
  • I’ve told you over and over again what I need and you don’t do it.
  • Why can’t you be more spontaneous and passionate?
  • Why can’t you stop and listen to me when I try to talk to you?
  • I thought we were good. You are the one who always has a complaint.
  • You say you are sorry but nothing ever changes.

  Do you ever wonder why the issues you seem to have with your spouse, you do not have with your friends? It’s not because your spouse is the problem. It’s because we look to our spouses to meet many of the needs our parents were originally supposed to meet.

  How we love and how we do intimacy did not start in our marriage. Our lessons began in infancy and lasted all the years we lived with our parents. Our experiences growing up leave a lasting imprint on our souls that determine our beliefs and expectations about how to give and receive love. 


Think of this imprint as a song. You hear one song and your spouse hears another. You try to dance but you step over each other's toes. Some people had early love lessons that were ideal, so their love style is healthy and positive. The research varies but more than likely, around 25% of people were this fortunate. So 75% of us had some hurtful experiences resulting in a harmful imprint or an impaired love style. The good news is we can look at observable behavioral patterns and see that some are helpful and some are hurtful when it comes to forming healthy, loving relationships.

Part 2 of How We Love


If you are wanting to explore this more, please reach out to me, Malia, at or call our intake coordinator to schedule an appointment today 720-370-3010 x100.