The Wall

Their wedding picture mocked them from the other table, these two whose minds no longer touched each other.

They lived with such a heavy barricade between them that neither battering ram of words nor artilleries of touch could break it down.

Somewhere, between the oldest child’s first tooth and the youngest daughter’s graduation, they lost each other.

Throughout the years each slowly unraveled that tangled ball of string called self, and as they tugged at stubborn knots, each hid his searching from the other.

Sometimes she cried at night and begged the whispering darkness to tell her who she was. He lay beside her, snoring like a hibernating bear, unaware of winter.

Once, after they had made love, he wanted to tell her how afraid he was of dying, but fearful to show his naked soul, he spoke instead of the beauty of her body.

She took a course on modern art, trying to find herself in colors splashed upon a canvas, complaining to the other women about men who are insensitive.

He climbed into a tomb called “The Office,” wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures, and buried himself in customers.

Slowly, the wall between them rose, cemented by the mortar of indifference.

One day, reaching out to each other, they found a barrier they could not penetrate, and recoiling from the coldness of the stone, each retreated from the stranger on the other side.

For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle, not when fiery bodies lose their heat. It lies panting, exhausted expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale.

-Author Unknown


Why does this happen to so many couples? How does it happen? We all enter marriage with lovely expectations and high hopes. Something gets in the way of our giving and receiving. Many people conclude that they married the wrong person or that the season of their relationship has passed. 

What is the discussion you have repeatedly with your spouse that never gets settled? What are the ways you two avoid dealing with problems? Do you find yourself stuck in an exhausting dance that leaves you frustrated, angry or empty? Do you know that these feelings and frustrations aren’t actually caused by your partner? Your partner’s behaviors touch into very old feelings and many of the needs that your parents were originally supposed to meet.

Each of us receives an imprint for intimacy from the family we grew up in. This imprint comes from our first lessons in love that taught us how to give and receive. Few people are blessed with love lessons that taught them to love in ways that are healthy and positive. Most of us, despite our parents’ best intentions, had hurtful lessons that left us with an impaired imprints for intimacy. 

Couples Counseling can help you see and understand your couple behavioral patterns that are harmful to forming healthy, loving relationships. Right now your responses to each other may be damaging due to your individual imprints colliding in a destructive duet. Your marriage relationship shines the spotlight on old wounds from childhood. Come learn how to heal and face these wounds together!